Dear John (Fox, head coach of the Carolina Panthers),
You looked like an Easter egg gone wrong on Sunday. It's not that I don't support what the NFL is trying to do with Breast Cancer awareness month and all, but the pink isn't meshing too well with that pastel blue you have all over your uniform. That, along with your team's 0-4 start and not scoring a single touchdown in the preseason, makes me think the Panthers should be renamed the Lions of the South. You're starting a rookie at quarterback, we don't know how long Steve Smith will be out, and you are just about guaranteed three more losses this season against the Saints and Falcons.
Don't think that I'm only picking on you either, John. Most of the coaches looked stupid with those pink streaks all over their hats and shirts and I still don't see why some of the biggest, toughest men in the world are wearing hot pink shoes. You aren't even the only sport to do something like this. Ever see the pink dildo-bats baseball players swing on Mothers' Day? I support the cause, but the execution is suspect. And are you going to be wearing that for the rest of October since it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Why not just get all the causes out of the way, wear a bunch of ribbons, call yourselves the Rainbow Warriors and move on?
I'm just trying to help out, John. Why not give Tony Pike a shot? He's the only quarterback on your depth chart who won anything in college. Clausen was an overrated player at an overrated school and Moore went undrafted out of Oregon State. What's the worst that could happen if you go with Pike? You start 0-5? Big deal. If you finish 0-16, you can draft Jake Locker.
I'm sorry, John. It's not you, it's me. I just need some space right now. I hope we can still be friends. Take care of yourself, John. And be careful—that hot seat might hard-boil you pretty quickly.
The Starving Waiter