Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Best Storylines of the Super Bowl

Yeah. Fucking. Right. Yes, I dropped an F-bomb in the first paragraph. Seriously, do you really want to read now, what the NFL and its supporting cast of idiot writers/TV personalities are going to cram down your throat for the next two weeks? No way man. I am going to briefly outline what I think you can expect of these storylines and tell you how/why it will waste your time, along with give you my own brief take on this super bowl. This will be my ONLY pregame coverage of the game. My posts from now until the game will contain at most another blurb about the absurdity of the coverage of the game. I give you my word.

First off, if this seriously is Ben Roethlisberger’s “Road to Redemption,” sign me up! If all I have to do to put an alleged rape/sexual assault accusation (and another one that to my knowledge he never faced suspension time/court time for) behind me, is do well at my job, well I am going to be the best blogger ever. Bring on the women and the rohypnol! Seriously, the guy is a dick. I don’t care if he is innocent or not – he’s a dick for even putting himself in that kind of situation. You’re rich and a celebrity. I’m sure there are plenty of consenting women who want to bang you. Big Ben also hasn’t been spectacular this post season. The win against the Jets can be chalked up to good defense and a bruising running game. Also, the Jets poor excuse for an offensive coordinator called a horrible game. Ben is a decent game manager who happens to always be surrounded by solid physical runners and a well above average defense. I’m not saying the guy can’t throw when he needs, but without those other pieces of the Steelers, Roethlisberger is simply a top 15 QB who may have squeaked out a Super Bowl in his career. I got off track. The fact is that his football play, even if it was amazing in these playoffs, cannot redeem his personality and character flaws that make him what he is: someone who doesn’t think the rules apply to him. I have no use for someone like him on this planet. Remember when it was cool to be humble and a decent human?

The other quarterback however will have his own story. Aaron Rodgers needs to PROVE himself. Really? The guy has a career 98.4 QB rating and was +100 in his last 2 seasons (granted in the era of illegal contact and secondary limiting calls). His TDs to INTs reads 87-32. He has 12,723 passing yards in just three full seasons as starter. He’s 27 years old and didn’t start for 3 years after being drafted. If he didn’t miss a game with a concussion this season, he’d likely be the first and only to go for 4,000 in his first 3 years as a full time starter (he was the only one to do it in his first 2). Can you name someone else better than him the past 3 years not named Brady, Brees, or Manning? And you can make an argument he was better over that span than any one of them depending on what you look at. What does he have to prove? Postseason record? He has a 129 QB rating in all of his starts combined. He already has his name up there with Montana, Favre, and P. Manning, trailing only them in terms of starts with 20 attempts and a rating over 120. He’s the only one of those names to do it more than once on the road (thanks Wall St. Journal for the research). Just because he doesn’t have the rings, or seems to lack what people will say “an ability to win close games” – doesn’t make him a bad QB. Leave him alone. He’ll get his, if not this year, soon enough with that defense. Not so bad for playing on a team with the numbers of almost an entire country’s army on IR either. Yes, to some extent some QBs will be judged based on their rings, but no one questions if Dan Marino was a good quarterback either.

Other minor sickening stories:

Mike Tomlin – Youngest coach to potentially win 2 super bowls. He was already the youngest to win one beating out Coach John “I need a job again because this analyst stuff isn’t for me either” Gruden. Cowher left him a stud core on defense, and seemingly a same offensive mentality. It really is as if at least half of these wins should be given to Bill. If he was white and had a brown instead of black nicely groomed beard, I may not be able to tell the two apart, including their football teams. I could take one of these teams over and win at least 8-10 games next season too. Don’t give him TOO much credit, even though I do like the guy. The youngest to do anything involves some skill, but a lot of it is being in the right place at the right time as well.

Brett Favre – You know his name will make an appearance. The only sound other than his name that makes me as disgusted with a human being is Joe Buck’s game calling. Anything Rodgers does will be compared to how Brett beat the Pats the last time Green Bay won a Super Bowl in 1996. I swear if I hear his name too much, or the fact that he finally retired (hopefully) for good and how awesome he was, I will scream. He annexed the Jets season for himself in coming out of retirement (Rodgers and Packers fans couldn’t be happier about that trade), and stole this last one in Minnesota by sticking around too long. Goodell needs to put a ban on anyone saying his name until he is put in the hall of fame in a few years. I’m sick of it.

Where are the Cowboys? - Hah, this one is funny. Remember the beginning of the season? Dallas had a chance to be the first team to play at home in Dallas for the Super Bowl? Why was that so prominent this season? Doesn’t everyone have that chance normally? I mean they always play at a pro site, right? Look what all that hype did to them. You know you’ll see a picture of Jerry Jones somewhere sitting watching two teams play not from Dallas. Does anyone care? The fact is, we haven’t heard a mention of the Cowboys since week 8ish, so why are we going to possibly have to listen to this garbage now?

Where are the Patriots? - I picked them to be here at the start of the playoffs along with the majority of the football watching world. Pats vs. Packers would have been a show. You know you’ll at least hear a few mentions of Tom Brady and his 3 rings that Ben can tie with a victory. Oh, and how Brady was so sure about winning number 4 this season. This may not get too much coverage, but I have a feeling you can’t be at the Super Bowl in this day and age and not hear the Pats or Brady’s name thrown around. This year they’re getting a better draft pick than they thought. There’s some bright side you crybabies.

The rich history of each team - The new Steel Curtain vs. Old (get a new nickname – I hate when people pull old titles out of the past – the “Giambino” for instance). Bart Starr and pre super bowl era Packers teams. Unfortunately Mean Joe will not be making a tackle and Starr not throwing touchdowns in two weeks. Granted I’d love to see a Senior Bowl one day where Ditka comes out and plays for the Bears. I think he can still do it. Regardless, spend a little less time on history of the clubs we hear EVERY time they play in the regular season (MNF is guilty of this and it drives me nuts… it’s just football on a Monday guys, relax), and you may shorten the pregame show from 14 days to 7. That will be a victory for us all. As the “Faux John Madden” said on twitter: “Just a reminder that following today's NFC Championship game (3 PM ET) FOX's Super Bowl XLV pregame show will be under way.”

Hopefully this article will spare you hours of listening about these lame stories that have nothing to do with the actual game. Big Boner will still be trash, Rodgers still a good QB, Tomlin still a young coach on an awesome team, and Farve, the Cowboys, Patriots, and past All Stars will not see one snap. It will be a defensive game with a conservative approach. I know in talking about them myself (and perhaps inventing some they won’t spend more time on than I did) I am just feeding the fire, but I need to make it known that it is too predictable. I should not be able to do this. Be original. They still need to play this damn football game regardless of all the shit going on around it. Stories are nice, but they don’t win football games. Expect Green Bay to come out throwing again and Pitt to come out running. The teams will adjust from there as any good football team seems to be able to do. It will be hard fought, but I think Rodgers arm will prevail along with their mistake causing defense.

Honorable mentions: The proposed closed roof in Dallas, Rodgers new “sore shoulder,” and a number 2 seed being the underdog to a number 6 seed.

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